I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
