I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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