In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
