she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
