Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
