Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
