I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
