Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i dont even know how to be here
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
