You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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