...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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