No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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