Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
