I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
