you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You're a waste of cheezeits
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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