that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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