we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We need a shit load of segways right now
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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