If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Is it penis luge time yet?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
