if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize