My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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