i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
