xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwadâ€
Randomize
