I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
