closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
