How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize