I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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