she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
