rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
