Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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