im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
