So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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