my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
