There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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