Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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