Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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