I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
