The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
