Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
