i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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