I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
