No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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