walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
