i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
