Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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