I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
