Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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