I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
