This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
