You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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