Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize