I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
