Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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