Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
