Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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