If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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