Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
