he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
