is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
did you just send me my own nude
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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