Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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