i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
