her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
