Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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