Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
