I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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