dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize